I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
