She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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