Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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