I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
