Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
