i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
