I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize