ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
