I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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