I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize