i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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