Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
