I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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