So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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