Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
