Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
