masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
