ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
