I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
