I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
