Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
from now on my penis is your penis
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
