My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
