woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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