i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
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