He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
