I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
