Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
