just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I need to wash the frat house off of me
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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