and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
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