Sponge bath it is.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
and i looked up. we had an audience...
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
