i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Randomize