Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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