My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
