My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
