So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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