I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
