I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
