These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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