Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
