Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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