If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
