The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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