I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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