I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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