Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
My penis needs a shock collar
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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