don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
