I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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