Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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