can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
