i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
