First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
