I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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