I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize