I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize