Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
