why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
We're not piercing ourselves today.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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