I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
