Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
