so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
