i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
