Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
